You know that feeling that everything is going ok in life? When nothing really bad has happened but at the same time nothing new and exciting is going on? That's kind of where I am right now. I'm back in school (again) so that's not new, I'm still taking care of Daisy so that's not new, and overall life is going ok. I need to start getting everything together for grad school. That terrifies me in a way that nothing else ever has, because rejection from that could mean that my dream of teaching pre-school may never happen. That rejection could have the possibility to destroy me and I do not want that to occur. There are things to look forward to, like football season starts this week! And all the fall shows should be starting up soon. But then there are the things that suck. Like John being in Florida and not getting to see him for like a month. And how if I get into grad school then any chance of him and I being in the same state in the near future was just demolished.
And so I find myself wondering what is more important right now. Doing grad school (if I get in) or being closer to the guy I love? And honestly I do not know which one is the right choice. I know that I am applying to grad school, and that it will be out of my control once I've applied. I know that if I get in I will go and get my masters. But I have no idea what I will do if I do not get in this year. I'm not sure if staying here and working would be the right thing, or moving and staring over in a new place would be what I need to do. But then there are things that I have committed myself to doing over the next 11 months that almost require me to stay put and see them through. So I have that feeling of "waiting for the next shoe to drop" and for everything to no longer be ok.
A few months ago I wrote about whirlwinds and how constant they can be in life. Well I'm feeling a lack of them right now, and I'm not alright with that. I'm waiting for that feeling to being anew and for life to take on the hectic pace it had back then. In a way I feel that John and I are at a weird place in our relationship where nothing has rocked us but at the same time we are not amazing. He is still the best thing that has happened to me and I do not want to know what my life would be like without him. Yet we are fighting more than we ever have and I don't know what to do about it. I know that I should not ask for whirlwinds because they will come and then I will wonder why I wanted my life to be that hectic. I guess I just want to know what will happen next. What will be the next part of my life; if it will be grad school or if it will a job and moving. I do not like this limbo place that I am in and the feelings that go along with it. I am ready for something to begin anew.
