mad

The past few weeks have been hard for me. I have kind of lost my way it feels like, in that I don't know exactly how to get to where I want to go in life. There are some options but I'm not sure what the right one is. As of today I have dropped all my classes that I have been taking because I do not need them and most of them were kicking my butt. I have been missing my boyfriend like crazy and wishing he was with me constantly. Overall I have felt on edge lately and have no idea how to clam down.

I blew up at my parents tonight, for something that was slightly reasonable. My cell number was changed without my permission. That may not seem like much, but to me it was huge. So I blew up because rational me has taken a vacation and I have no clue where she is. I really want her back, but right now don't know how to make that happen. I feel like a failure because I'm not finishing my classes, but at the same time I feel more human because I'm not forcing myself to go through the motions of being in school. In short I'm just mad. That's all I have for tonight.

Remembering

I was in my 8th grade science class when the first tower was hit and history class when the second was hit. My small, private school was out in a field and did not have cable, but we were able to get one tv with rabbit ears to pick up a station. They gathered all the students into the gym to tell everyone all that had happened. Classes were basically cancelled and there were a few ministers there if anyone wanted to talk. What left the biggest impression on me was my history teacher. He was from New Jersey and had many friends in the World Trade Center. I never found out or wanted to ask how many people he knew who did not make it out.

For those of us who watched it unfold and were old enough to understand what was happening, we will never forget. But there is a whole generation who will never remember because they were not old enough or not born yet. I have four little cousins and while three of them were alive, none of them remember. The oldest was 3, the youngest 3 months. For them this is a history lesson, but not an actual event that they can recall. Security at the airport has always been this way, certain areas of buildings have always been off-limits and the New York skyline has never had those two magnificent buildings. My dad said tonight that many kids today don't know that there was time when you could walk people to the gate at an airport and say goodbye without a ticket; or park curbside at the airport for more than 30sec. These same kids don't know a time without war, and most don't know why we are fighting. Explaining it can be tricky because it is hard to know when you have gone too far or how much detail to include. I have no idea how I will ever explain it my kids (when I have them) or how I would go about it in a classroom. It will be easier the older the kids are, but these days kids are asking questions earlier and wanting more information. More and more this will be taught and it will be up to those who teach and those who are parents to provide the correct information. But also the personal side to that day needs to be told, where you were and what you remember. Everyone in this great country was touched that day, and in the days after we became a united country. Maybe that should be the lesson, how people came together in the time of need. Maybe that's what we should tell the kids. Maybe that's what we should remember.

And then it begins anew

You know that feeling that everything is going ok in life? When nothing really bad has happened but at the same time nothing new and exciting is going on? That's kind of where I am right now. I'm back in school (again) so that's not new, I'm still taking care of Daisy so that's not new, and overall life is going ok. I need to start getting everything together for grad school. That terrifies me in a way that nothing else ever has, because rejection from that could mean that my dream of teaching pre-school may never happen. That rejection could have the possibility to destroy me and I do not want that to occur. There are things to look forward to, like football season starts this week! And all the fall shows should be starting up soon. But then there are the things that suck. Like John being in Florida and not getting to see him for like a month. And how if I get into grad school then any chance of him and I being in the same state in the near future was just demolished.

And so I find myself wondering what is more important right now. Doing grad school (if I get in) or being closer to the guy I love? And honestly I do not know which one is the right choice. I know that I am applying to grad school, and that it will be out of my control once I've applied. I know that if I get in I will go and get my masters. But I have no idea what I will do if I do not get in this year. I'm not sure if staying here and working would be the right thing, or moving and staring over in a new place would be what I need to do. But then there are things that I have committed myself to doing over the next 11 months that almost require me to stay put and see them through. So I have that feeling of "waiting for the next shoe to drop" and for everything to no longer be ok.

A few months ago I wrote about whirlwinds and how constant they can be in life. Well I'm feeling a lack of them right now, and I'm not alright with that. I'm waiting for that feeling to being anew and for life to take on the hectic pace it had back then. In a way I feel that John and I are at a weird place in our relationship where nothing has rocked us but at the same time we are not amazing. He is still the best thing that has happened to me and I do not want to know what my life would be like without him. Yet we are fighting more than we ever have and I don't know what to do about it. I know that I should not ask for whirlwinds because they will come and then I will wonder why I wanted my life to be that hectic. I guess I just want to know what will happen next. What will be the next part of my life; if it will be grad school or if it will a job and moving. I do not like this limbo place that I am in and the feelings that go along with it. I am ready for something to begin anew.

a life cut short

A few days ago I found a blog about a little boy in Texas who had a brain tumor. He was 7 months old when it was diagnosed and he lost his battle today. The journey his parents traveled over the past 3 weeks is one that no parents should ever have to find themselves along. I am impressed with how they handled it and what amazing parents they were in the last few weeks of his far too short life. When they decided to take him home for what turned out to be the last few days of his life, and not do any treatment, that was the most courageous things they could have done. They chose comfort for their son, to be at home and not in a hospital surrounded by machines. To be with his parents and family and not constantly surrounded by doctors and nurses. They made the hardest decision seem so easy and right. I know that it will not be an easy journey for them over the next days, weeks, months or even years but they can be sure that they did everything possible for their son, including the wisdom to choose a few quality days with their son instead of prolonging his pain. My heart breaks for them tonight. I do not know these people, but I can say that I admire them. They gave their son a birthday party at 37 weeks because they knew he would not make it to his first birthday. They filled his last days with love and for that they can be sure. They were the best parents for that little boy.

Brain tumors are not supposed to happen to babies. They are too innocent to have anything like that invade their lives, and yet it occurs. This little boy, James, was 8 months old. He spent more time in his mother's womb than he did as a child on this earth. So tonight I pray for all the children who are fighting for their lives because of some disease. I pray for their parents and families who are watching as their child fights for his or her life. And I pray that James's parents will find comfort and peace soon. 

A love affair with reading

I have to say that my love affair with reading began at an early age. I loved for one of my parents to read me a bedtime story or take time during the day to sit down a flip through a book with me. That grew into a passion for reading that will probably last a lifetime. As a child books were wonderful things that took me different places, far away lands with happy endings and towns where I wished I lived. Books were my way escaping real life back then and it was nice to be able to go to a place where life was not complicated. There was a time when my parents would punish me for reading when I should have been doing chores or homework. They actually took away books when I was in trouble, and I'm not sure I have met another person who was punished like that. Yet in college I had to put my books on hold and focus on my classes.

The problem for me is that when I get a new book I must read it as soon as possible. I cannot wait a week and dislike having to wait a day to begin. My first reading is a fairly quick one, as I want to know the plot and the characters and find out what happens ASAP. But the second and third and fourth readings are in-depth and take days. I get lost in the plot, and forget the world around me. If the book is long enough and I invest enough, I tend to begin the think that the characters are real and the events of the book are actually taking place. It can take me a while to surface again after having been in whatever book I was reading. I have ignored friends, homework, family, and boyfriends for the sake of a book.

I just recently re-discovered this passion, as I am out of college now and have the time to read a good novel. So I am re-reading a few books that I did not have the time to properly devote to them before. Books I wanted during college and was only able to give them a quick read. I am now able to go back and delve into the worlds created by some of my favorite authors and get lost in the southerness of the books. Right now the world Pat Conroy has created in "South of Broad" is my alternate universe and I am learning all the side stories as well as I am learning the plot. When I am finished I will be able to recount the story over and over, to the point that if I ever find myself thinking about the book, I can find that part and read on.

I am told that my parents worried about me learning to read when I was in the first grade. It seems that I did not catch on as fast as they wanted me to, but when I did begin to read I went through every book in the classroom three times and was in the second grade reader by the end of the year. Pretty good for starting my true love affair with reading after Christmas break. So it continues today, to the point that I collect books by my favorite authors and could fill multiple bookcases with the books I own. I truly hope I will always have this love affair with reading, for it is one of the best joys in the world.

whirlwinds

This past month has seemed to fly by, while I wasn't looking or paying attention. Come this friday it will have been 4 weeks since I've seen John and in some ways I can't believe the time has felt so short. But then there are the times when it feels like months since we have been together. The inevitable happened over the weekend: our first fight due to being separated. I was waiting for it, thought I was ready for it to happen and then be done so that "first" could be out of the way. And then it happened and all I could think was that fighting over the phone (through texts) sucked and that fighting in person was a whole lot easier. There is no such thing as tone in a text, and I'm waiting for someone to figure out how make that happen. In the end it was all worked out, but if we were not living in different states it can be assumed that said fight would not have occurred. But in all this time life has continued and not stayed stagnate. I returned to my job babysitting Daisy, and in ways it feels like I never left. My parents decided to find a different/better/larger house to rent (seeing as their house in Florence has yet to sell - maybe the people renting it will buy!) so the boxes are being pulled out. John and I talk everyday and he is slowly overcoming his dislike of talking on the phone. haha Overall life is par for the course.


Except for the fact that I have not seen John in almost 4 weeks. Now I get that all relationships are different, but there are differences to this long-distance relationship as opposed to my last one. I miss watching tv with John because of the random comments that would be made and all cuddling that would happen. In my last relationship, watching tv was an escape from talking to my ex and there was not a whole lot of cuddling that would happen. I hate being this far from John and as soon as we find a date I will start counting down until I get to see him again. This happened last fall also when we were apart during the week. That was not the case last time. There are so many more little things that I miss, like how his shoulder is the perfect pillow, that it would be impossible to list them all. For me this is a first, missing a person so much I could cry if I think about it too much.

All that has happened, all that I have felt over the past few weeks makes me wonder when I will catch my breath. I feel that break beginning now and lasting for all of a day before the next storm hits and once again I'm running to keep up with all that is going on around me. I have not even fully processed the fact that next April I will be at General Conference for 2 weeks, witnessing and maybe being a part of the process of changing and governing the United Methodist Church. I can't stand still and mope about my boyfriend being 6 hours away, because then I miss all the stuff that is going on here. But at the same time I can't help wishing some whirlwinds would stay away, leave me be, and give me time to miss him. But then tomorrow comes and it starts all over again. When I'm at the pool with Daisy, or trying to decide between applying for a full time job or going back to school I don't have the time to stop and cry over him not being here. So I keep going with the hope that one day there will be an end date and we will be together again. It is times like this when I think God gives us more than we can do in a day for our own good. Kind of like when we get sick, our body is telling us to stop and slow down. And I have had both happen this month, as I'm currently fighting a cold and yet had more to do today than I should have. Maybe the whirlwinds are a good thing, maybe this time apart is a good thing, or maybe I'm just trying to make it that way instead of wishing everything to be "normal" again. Back to the normal of coming home at night to John after working all day at the daycare, back to fixing dinner together and watching tv, back to having my perfect pillow in the shape of his shoulder, back before the whirlwinds hit and changed it all.

late nights

I am still awake, long after I should be in bed. I have few nights left with John that I should be cuddled up next to him to soak it all up before he's gone. But maybe that's why I can't sleep yet. Knowing that after tonight we only have 10 more days left here and then he is gone. Gone from the place where we spent so much time, where our relationship was able to grow as we spent hours talking, getting to know each other.

I don't like to think about what life will be like in such a short amount of time. That he will no longer be right beside me, but hours away. That this constant will be gone and in its place a huge hole will be left. I know that I sound like he is leaving forever, but going from seeing him everyday to hopefully once a month is going to be a huge change. I realized the biggest fear of mine is to grow apart from him, to stop telling him the smallest things because he is not here to hear them. To wake up one day and realize that I have no clue what is going on in his life. Or for him to not know what is going on in mine.

This weekend should be full of happiness, because we celebrate being together for a year this Sunday. But instead of just spending time together and having fun, we will be packing and preparing for this move. And I hate that this occasion is overshadowed. That instead of living in this wonderful moment, he and I will both be focusing on what is to come. For me a lot of that focus will be on the uncertainty that will come with him being in Florida and me in South Carolina. I worry that he will become caught up in his life and I will become caught up in mine, that we will forget to be a couple and just be individuals. I hate that I cannot actually say this to him because I will cry the whole time, just like I'm doing now.

I was all set to go down with him, until last night. When I really thought about the drive back, alone, and how much I don't want to do that. But I also don't want to watch him drive away from him and not be going with him. My heart breaks a little every day knowing that the life that I have come to love is going to end when the truck is packed and the door locked for the last time. But I think it's time for me to go cuddle with my boy while I still can and hope that this time in our lives will come to an end as soon as possible.

it bothers me

Right now I am so mad I could throw something. But instead I write this in the hopes of getting it out and not actually throwing anything. I went through a year and a half of someone telling me my every flaw, and now he is starting on the same stuff. Telling me not to drink juice or coke because it is bad for me. And now he is asleep and I am up, writing and watching tv. Not wanting to go to bed because I know that it will be tomorrow night before I can say anything. By that time he will have forgotten that I was upset and it will once again be me making a big deal out of nothing. Or at least that is what he will say, and once again I will let it go because I'm still not used to being able to really say what I want. It doesn't help that he and I are now in the last 30 days of being in the same state. On May 31th he will move to Florida and I will be back in Columbia with my parents. A nine hour drive will separate us and there is no guarantee that we will see each other every month.

He wants me to move with him, but honestly there is nothing for me down there. He has his mom and more opportunities to further his career. I would leave everyone I know to move somewhere where I don't even have a job. He had a job when he moved up here and many friends. I would have him and that is about it. And while he is amazing, I really don't want to follow him all around kingdom come with out being married. So it bothers me that we won't have a discussion (fight) that we should, and that he wants me to pick up and follow him without a safety net. And I want to have that fight and the safety net.

Constant Work

It doesn't matter what kind of relationship you have, a friendship, parent/child, boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife, they all require constant work. I was reminded (yet again) tonight why. Each person is different, and men and women operate very differently. One person may think that everything is fine, but the other may not. So you work at it, and you try to make sure that each person is happy in the relationship. Now that may hold true for romantic relationships more than others, but it can be applied to them all. Communication is the key to any healthy relationship, and it always becomes very clear when something is not communicated correctly.

The smallest thing can set a person off or defuse a situation. Having watched my parents sit down at least once a month for years and combine their calendars has given me an appreciation for making the time to let your partner know what is going on in your life. Because as much as we would like to be, people are not mind readers. It also means that you cannot assume that your partner knows what is happening with you.

There also becomes a time when your partner should become the first person who is told about things. The first phone call is to him/her, or at least the second after a parent. Friends become secondary on the need-to-know list and not the first to know. In this day and age it only takes a few seconds to send a message by texting, so keeping people informed is easier now than it has ever been. It all comes down to making the effort, or constantly working on your relationship. If the work is not put in, then it shows in the result. Relationships take constant work no matter what stage you are in, and the bulk of that work resides in communication.

Life

So in my last post I said I was interviewing to be a youth director, but I did not get that job. And in a way I was relieved. That may sound weird, but it's true. I don't have to be the role model for teenagers who need someone way more better at that than I am. So no job at a church (just yet) but today I go to find out what classroom I will be in full time at a pre-school. And I'm still not dressed (even though I have to be in there in 45min) and I'm writing on here.

It is hard to for me to get excited about anything these days. So while I should be over the moon about this new job, all I can think about is what job I could have next or what big change life could hold. I am finding all the things that are wrong about this job and not everything that is good about it. Maybe it has something to do unsettled feeling I still have, I don't know. But what I do know is that I need to shower and get dressed so I can go seal the deal (so to speak) on this new job, and then go to Talbots for one of my last days there, hopefully.

If you can't say anything nice..... I might as well blog about it

I am about to start cleaning house on my facebook. There are people on there that I never talk to, never really have, and do not plan on talking to in the future. But then I start to think about the "what ifs" when it comes to deleting people. They say that if you aren't friends on facebook then you really aren't friends, and the ultimate snub is to un-friend someone. But there are times when I just don't want to see certain people, so maybe I will hide them from my feed, because then I haven't un-friended them I just don't see what goes on with them.

The reason I say all of this is because of a girl I went to high school with, who is not a friend per-say but maybe more of an acquaintance. I was able to give her some good advice on her up-coming wedding and thought that she and I were friends, but I have not been invited to her wedding or bridal shower. So fine, we are not friends. Or at least we are not good enough friends to invite to events such as that. But does that mean that we should not be friends on facebook? Is facebook the ultimate status on friendship, or should you count that as just people you know who also have a facebook account? Or should we go by what the Bible says? Are we not supposed to be-friend all whom we come across in the name of our Lord? This kind of also ties into a situation that is going on at work. I am at a point where I can not continue to work for some of the people in charge because of how they treat people and their feeling of entitlement and how they overtly lie to the district manager. So the job hunt has begun anew. Yet I am struggling with how to interact with these people until I find something new.

My question for now, is what is the test of friendship? Is it "being friends" on facebook, is it actually knowing the person and doing things with him/her, or is what God has told us? Or is it simply being nice to person to their face but not really caring about them? Does friendship have a universal meaning or do individuals have their own definition? And yet could there be different levels of friendship, with the most shallow being a farce and the deepest being something akin to family? If it is the last suggestion then I am sorry to say that I do not have many friendship like that and am not sure if I ever will. So for now I do not have much to say that is nice about people, thus I blog to get my feelings out so I do not explode about any of this one day for no reason.

A New Path... possibly

Tomorrow night begins a new path for me, one that I am not completely sure I am meant to take but I know I am called to try. I am interviewing to be a children's and youth director at a church in downtown Charleston. I have been fighting a call for years and I finally accepted that I am meant to work in the church. I may still be fighting a call to be ordained but that I am less sure about that than I am about working in the church. And I know that working with children is part of my future, and being a director of children's ministry may just be what I am called to do. All that I know for sure right now is that I am scared about this interview. My new path may begin tomorrow night, but then again it may not.

Not sure where life is going

Ever have periods during your life when everything feels unsettled and you aren't totally sure where the next road is going to lead you? I'm having one of those times right now. There is very little in my life that feels secure at the moment, and yet the things that do are huge. I can not begin to express how happy and secure I feel with John and how his presence in my life makes other things feel less chaotic. And I have the support of my family and friends no matter where this road is going, and that is amazing. But many, many other things are not as settled for me. My job is not one I want to have in six months but the one I would love to have has not let me know anything regarding my application. My living situation is not exactly perfect, in that I have stuff in Columbia and split my time between West Ashley and Mt Pleasant when it comes to sleeping, but all my clothes are in West Ashley. I don't pay rent, which is a blessing, but also means that I do not feel like I can treat it as my home. It also doesn't help that my parents are not very settled right now and that John's location could change in April. He says there is only a 40% chance he will be moved, but to me that is still a large number.

I do not do well with feeling this unsettled. So I take control of what I can, and try very hard to leave the rest to God. Even though I know I should leave it all to Him I am human and want to take over when I can. So I'm taking charge of the infection that is in my body right now. My incision from my surgery became infected and after being on an antibiotic for the past month and a half I'm done with playing the waiting game and want it gone. So hopefully by this time tomorrow it will have been drained and all the infection will be gone and I will be done with the doctor and medicine. That is what I am taking charge of, and I am going to try very hard to leave the rest to God and stay out of His way as He shows me this next road I will be taking.

New town, new life (kinda)

Sooooo...... I am in Charleston, working about 25hrs a week at Talbots and life seems to be going well. I've applied to two different churches to be a youth director and am in the process of looking for my own place. Not that I don't love Patti and Gary, its just that I want a place that's mine where I don't feel like I'm intruding. Now that I have been down here for two weeks I am ready to have my own kitchen again and my own den. I'm so happy to be close to John and my friends, but I guess I didn't realize how hard it would be to not feel like I really belonged anywhere. And I'm really proud that John and I lasted two weeks with out a fight.

It happened last night/today and I'm not proud about how I reacted but what's done is done. See John has a roommate and apparently I was not respecting his privacy. Now back in July I was given a key to John's place and told to think of it as my own and so I did, until last night. For me to consider a place to be partly mine there can be no stipulations and having to knock before entering if John was not home is definitely a stipulation. So I did something rash and emotional by leaving my key there and I stand by that decision because as long as I had possession of it I would feel as if I could come and go as I please. So at this point I have had almost 24hrs to think about this, and John and I have had a fight about it. He did not understand why I was reacting that way and probably thinks that I over-reacted. But to me it felt like he was saying that I could not be there unless he was there and I still feel that way since I no longer feel as comfortable there or as welcome as I thought I was. Also I packed up my stuff and removed most of my belongings that were there.

When John's roommate moved in he said, "it's still our place, Cameron just lives here now too". That signified to me that nothing would really change and everything would continue on as it had. Also when Cameron moved in I was less than a month from graduating, then trying to find a job and a place to live. I had surgery, and my incision became infected. In between all of that was my graduation ceremony, Christmas and my actual move down to Charleston. So I was not really concerned with how things might have changed in regards to the accessibility of John's place. When I said something about being there first, John told me that Cameron pays rent and without saying it that I do not. Therefore it is not my place and I do not have the right to be there as I thought I did. I have a feeling that what set all of it off was the fact that I needed lunch yesterday, so I went over to the apartment, let myself in, made a sandwich and left (in about 3min) and Cameron was there and had no idea I was coming over. So if I can't do that, then there is no reason for me to have a key.

So the key is still in John's room and I am twenty minuets away with no intention of staying over there any time soon. I will knock when I go over, I will not stay there if John is not there, and above all I will respect Cameron's privacy. So until John and I get married we will not have a place together and that is how it will be.

And John if you read this, please know that this is my way of being able to think things through and work through them and if you have a problem with any of it, tell me.