Sooooo...... I am in Charleston, working about 25hrs a week at Talbots and life seems to be going well. I've applied to two different churches to be a youth director and am in the process of looking for my own place. Not that I don't love Patti and Gary, its just that I want a place that's mine where I don't feel like I'm intruding. Now that I have been down here for two weeks I am ready to have my own kitchen again and my own den. I'm so happy to be close to John and my friends, but I guess I didn't realize how hard it would be to not feel like I really belonged anywhere. And I'm really proud that John and I lasted two weeks with out a fight.
It happened last night/today and I'm not proud about how I reacted but what's done is done. See John has a roommate and apparently I was not respecting his privacy. Now back in July I was given a key to John's place and told to think of it as my own and so I did, until last night. For me to consider a place to be partly mine there can be no stipulations and having to knock before entering if John was not home is definitely a stipulation. So I did something rash and emotional by leaving my key there and I stand by that decision because as long as I had possession of it I would feel as if I could come and go as I please. So at this point I have had almost 24hrs to think about this, and John and I have had a fight about it. He did not understand why I was reacting that way and probably thinks that I over-reacted. But to me it felt like he was saying that I could not be there unless he was there and I still feel that way since I no longer feel as comfortable there or as welcome as I thought I was. Also I packed up my stuff and removed most of my belongings that were there.
When John's roommate moved in he said, "it's still our place, Cameron just lives here now too". That signified to me that nothing would really change and everything would continue on as it had. Also when Cameron moved in I was less than a month from graduating, then trying to find a job and a place to live. I had surgery, and my incision became infected. In between all of that was my graduation ceremony, Christmas and my actual move down to Charleston. So I was not really concerned with how things might have changed in regards to the accessibility of John's place. When I said something about being there first, John told me that Cameron pays rent and without saying it that I do not. Therefore it is not my place and I do not have the right to be there as I thought I did. I have a feeling that what set all of it off was the fact that I needed lunch yesterday, so I went over to the apartment, let myself in, made a sandwich and left (in about 3min) and Cameron was there and had no idea I was coming over. So if I can't do that, then there is no reason for me to have a key.
So the key is still in John's room and I am twenty minuets away with no intention of staying over there any time soon. I will knock when I go over, I will not stay there if John is not there, and above all I will respect Cameron's privacy. So until John and I get married we will not have a place together and that is how it will be.
And John if you read this, please know that this is my way of being able to think things through and work through them and if you have a problem with any of it, tell me.
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