late nights

I am still awake, long after I should be in bed. I have few nights left with John that I should be cuddled up next to him to soak it all up before he's gone. But maybe that's why I can't sleep yet. Knowing that after tonight we only have 10 more days left here and then he is gone. Gone from the place where we spent so much time, where our relationship was able to grow as we spent hours talking, getting to know each other.

I don't like to think about what life will be like in such a short amount of time. That he will no longer be right beside me, but hours away. That this constant will be gone and in its place a huge hole will be left. I know that I sound like he is leaving forever, but going from seeing him everyday to hopefully once a month is going to be a huge change. I realized the biggest fear of mine is to grow apart from him, to stop telling him the smallest things because he is not here to hear them. To wake up one day and realize that I have no clue what is going on in his life. Or for him to not know what is going on in mine.

This weekend should be full of happiness, because we celebrate being together for a year this Sunday. But instead of just spending time together and having fun, we will be packing and preparing for this move. And I hate that this occasion is overshadowed. That instead of living in this wonderful moment, he and I will both be focusing on what is to come. For me a lot of that focus will be on the uncertainty that will come with him being in Florida and me in South Carolina. I worry that he will become caught up in his life and I will become caught up in mine, that we will forget to be a couple and just be individuals. I hate that I cannot actually say this to him because I will cry the whole time, just like I'm doing now.

I was all set to go down with him, until last night. When I really thought about the drive back, alone, and how much I don't want to do that. But I also don't want to watch him drive away from him and not be going with him. My heart breaks a little every day knowing that the life that I have come to love is going to end when the truck is packed and the door locked for the last time. But I think it's time for me to go cuddle with my boy while I still can and hope that this time in our lives will come to an end as soon as possible.

it bothers me

Right now I am so mad I could throw something. But instead I write this in the hopes of getting it out and not actually throwing anything. I went through a year and a half of someone telling me my every flaw, and now he is starting on the same stuff. Telling me not to drink juice or coke because it is bad for me. And now he is asleep and I am up, writing and watching tv. Not wanting to go to bed because I know that it will be tomorrow night before I can say anything. By that time he will have forgotten that I was upset and it will once again be me making a big deal out of nothing. Or at least that is what he will say, and once again I will let it go because I'm still not used to being able to really say what I want. It doesn't help that he and I are now in the last 30 days of being in the same state. On May 31th he will move to Florida and I will be back in Columbia with my parents. A nine hour drive will separate us and there is no guarantee that we will see each other every month.

He wants me to move with him, but honestly there is nothing for me down there. He has his mom and more opportunities to further his career. I would leave everyone I know to move somewhere where I don't even have a job. He had a job when he moved up here and many friends. I would have him and that is about it. And while he is amazing, I really don't want to follow him all around kingdom come with out being married. So it bothers me that we won't have a discussion (fight) that we should, and that he wants me to pick up and follow him without a safety net. And I want to have that fight and the safety net.